Jane grew up with a Dad who yelled, a lot. She grew up thinking being called “stupid†and “ugly†and “a dumb cunt†was a normal part of life. She expected the belt for the littlest of mistakes. And yet, she didn’t believe she was abused. In her eyes, her Dad did these things because he loved her.
Years passed and Jane dated a variety of guys – she always seemed to break up with the “nice†ones; the ones who treated her with kindness and respect were blown off as “boring†or “not involved enough†(whatever that meant). The one she wound up marrying was just like dear old Daddy.
He yelled, a lot. He thought it was OK to call her names, to belittle her, insult her, threaten violence and then, when she was reduced to a puddle of apologetic tears, take the keys to the only car and leave, literally locking her in the house on the way out.
Jane didn’t think there was anything wrong with his behavior. He acted this way because she “did something to deserve it.†He acted this way because he cared, because he loved her. To Jane, this was life as she knew it. This was “love†in her eyes.
And no, Jane isn’t a figment of my fertile imagination. Though her name is fictitious, she’s a dear friend of mine who finally broke the cycle when she saw what this “love†was doing to her children. She took the kids and she left. Many years and a lot of hard roads later, she and the kids are doing fine.
Jane’s story, however, could be repeated many times over; only the names and places would change. It’s a sad story that tells the tale of an epidemic of violence – an epidemic that is still, all too often, simply swept under the carpet and ignored.
We all like to think it could never happen in our lives. We blindly believe we’re too smart, our kids too “well adjusted,†our neighborhood too “nice†for things like that to happen where we are. But the fact is, domestic and dating violence are real problems, and when it happens to teens, it leads to even bigger problems later in life. Recent studies show some staggering numbers.
* Only half of all tweens (ages 11 – 14) understand the warning sings of a bad or hurtful relationship.
* One in three teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner.
* One in five teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend had threatened violence or self harm if they “broke up.â€
* One in four teenage girls reveal they have been pressured into sexual activity, and the same number report verbal abuse.
* Nearly 80% of girls who have been abused in a relationship continue to date their abuser.
Staggering? It gets even worse when you consider that of the women between 15 and 19 murdered each year, 30% are killed by their husband or boyfriend.
While 80% of teens consider verbal abuse a “serious issue†for their age group, less than 1/4 of them have discussed dating violence with their parents. Keep in mind, nearly 3/4 of this same group consider “dating†to begin at age 14 or younger, and 1/5 of them say their parents have little to no knowledge about their dating relationships.
What’s a parent to do? How do we break this cycle? How do we instill a level of confidence and self-worth in our kids so these numbers become nothing more than a painful part of the past?
Liz Claiborne, Inc. (yes, that Liz Claiborne) has created a program to provide tools and information to help educate people about this issue and end the epidemic of abuse. The Love Is Not Abuse program includes information custom geared to parents, teens and even corporations – all with one goal in mind, putting an end to domestic violence.
The Love Is Not Abuse Web site is full of links, helpful – and free – information, and suggestions for what you can do to be part of the solution. In February 2007, they introduced a new site, loveisrespect.org – The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline. These folks are so careful – they’ve even created a little pop-up warning that reminds site visitors to clear their browser’s history so that others can’t see where they’ve been. A simple act many of us think nothing about, but that could be a saving grace for someone in an abusive situation.
Both sites are overflowing with information – for those outside of a bad situation, and those within one.
The Love Is Not Abuse site features several downloadable handbooks and information packets, a “Recognize, Respond & Refer” pamphlet and wallet card, public service announcements, and links to request copies of the curriculum.
And there is the incredible part of this whole story. The curriculum is “a step-by-step guide to teaching high school students about the issue of dating violence.” Geared for teaching in Health, or English/Language Arts classes, the curriculum uses literature and poetry to bring this touchy topic to life.
Teachers across the nation have praised the program, and as a parent, I certainly plan on pushing my local schools to implement it. The curriculum was developed in concert with experts from Break the Cycle, and Break the Cycle advisors are available to help teachers, students and parents.
Don’t be in the dark on this subject – it’s too important. For the safety of our children; to be part of putting an end to this epidemic of violence and fear, visit the sites, look around, and get involved.
The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline: 1-866-331-9474
This something I have experienced first hand but in a different way. My mother stayed with and abusive man for many years telling herself that it was god”s will. That she had to try and change him and make her marriage work. This man abused of me as a young child physically and emotionally. I however broke that cycle by not repeating the same behaviors as he did with me. I must admit I have #3 kids and have my stress moments but have never spoken or put my hand on my kids the way my step-father did me… It’s got to stop somewhere……
Rosa ~ Thank you! You are 100% correct, it has to end somewhere… And kudos for stopping the violence in your own life, for giving your kids a healthy example!