kim: Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for sharing it here.

I want to thank everyone who came back and worked through all of this. I know only great things can come out of it.

AND WITH THAT…

I feel like I have been turned inside out. I just need to breathe. I am going to take one day off. Turn off my computer and spend the entire day tomorrow cuddling with my kids. Thank you for coming back. I hope to see all of you soon.

Adoption is not a perfect solution. It is not perfect to be a teenager and pregnant either. There is no perfect answer. But, what makes a mother and what makes a father is so much more the DNA. $$$ is not the answer either. I couldn’t have live with abortion as a solution and many urged me to do just that including one of my teachers. But my son and I both could live with adoption. And that we did.

I am pleased with how you view the birthmother. You sound like a good mutha!

blessings to your family,
Kim

Golly, what began as a train wreck has turned into an open and honest discussion. No more name calling, no accusations. Just people expressing their opinions and actually listening to each other. It warms my heart I tell you.

You can respectfully disagree with someone and not make it World War Three.
Anyway, I know I’ve learned something today.

And I do want you to know, Head Mutha and her hubby, that you have inspired me to think globally and make an effort to help and promote change.

I look forward to reading more.

Thanks.

People tend not to think of adoption being an emotionally plural topic. It’s complicated and messy. And when it gets pointed out, the person who points it out gets slapped down by the majority.

I’m not being eloquent with my words lately. I’ve been having tough conversations on multiple blogs that last couple days and I’m worn out.

I can see how that might happen, of course. I honestly don’t think it would have in this case, but we’ll never know. Your real point is the only one that matters. “Whether she was rude or not initially is not the point.” I agree.

We have all found a way to get past it and engage in a necessary and healthy discussion. There is power in that.

Are we lucky that we are now getting good conversations and are no longer being attacked? Maybe. But we worked hard to control ourselves so we could see the other side. I’m glad we did.

And people like Joy and Margie worked hard to facilitate discussion. They took the time to listen and were patient. I’m glad they did.

I am now looking at words like “orphan” outside of the legal definitions and attempting to hear it with a different ear. For me, that’s powerful and necessary. We can all be a bit myopic at times. We all need to be jarred from our place at times.

Let’s turn this into something good.

Sorry, I disagree right here. Dialogue does not come from comments like this. What follows is the exact same comment rush against the person because of the attempt to rain on the parade. The same tirade of the person must be jealous. The same tirade of comments. Been there, done that, and it’s very tiring.

The question then becomes where does the dialogue come from then. It come from discussion like the ones that stemmed on your blog recovering from someone raining on your parade. Whether she was rude or not initially is not the point. The point is whether the conversations following can bridge that gap. I think you have gotten lucky on that part and have gotten very good conversations with very wise women and not hit by inconsiderate trolls that lack compassion of understanding your side.

I am happy to continue any and all conversations here.

Thanks for coming back.

The point I tried to make in my post has nothing to do with adoptive parent happiness, however. It has to do with adoptive parent attitudes toward adoption loss, and in particular the way we write about them. That opinion, with which anyone is entitled to disagree, is simply that if we a-parents seek dialog with adoptees and first parents for whom adoption equals pain and loss, we need to recognize that our words will be interpreted through that prism.

Rocky, sorry to have a discussion with someone else here, but I did want to clarify the misunderstanding. There are two posts on my blog named “Truth and Humility,” and they clarify what I mean further.

Thanks.

Much Respect,

Rocky

And how things transpired with the first post is the perfect example. If the first comments were, “I see that you are happy with the events that has transpired from your adoption of your daughters, but I hope that you are aware that there are adoptees/bmothers like myself who read this, and are horrified with the idea and ideals that you are discussing, because we are dealing with are own issues of being adopted. This celebration is a reminder of the most painful event of our lives.”

I believe we could have started a true conversation if that is how it happened. It is about validating our feelings. Adoptees can not come to me and tell me not to be happy about one of the happiest days in our families lives, and I cannot tell adoptees not to feel the pain and sorrow that they are feeling due to the exact same event. That would be wrong.

But what we can learn from each other could be overwhelming.

How can we truly understand each other, as humans, if we can’t have an open and respectful dialogue? I hope this is the start of a great relationship where we can respect each other, validate each others feelings, and move forward to a positive place where we can make a true difference in the lives of everyone involved.

Much Respect,

Rocky