Mothers Fighting For OthersDomestic Violence | Mothers Fighting For Others

Mothers Fighting for Other Mothers

Shelley Seale — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 04:04:57 +0000

I, and all the other writers here, typically write about children. We are “Mothers Fighting for Others,” and that usually means that, as mothers, we are fighting for children all over the world.

Today, however, I’d like to be a mother fighting for other mothers – for other women. On Friday, September 25, I spent the afternoon in prison – and it really made me rethink the lucky breaks I’ve had in life, and others who were not so lucky. And one thing we just about all have in common is….children.

That Friday afternoon, I made the hour drive out to Lockhart State Prison, with a dozen other women and a couple of men. We were there on behalf of a program called Truth Be Told, which runs 8-week programs in the prison to empower women, through a curriculum designed to help them tell their stories – often for the first time in their lives. Most of these women have never really faced their pasts and traumas, much less talked about them.

Lockhart Prison

The reason we were there that Friday was for the graduation of the Truth Be Told participants at Lockhart. We had come as respectful listeners – these women were going to stand up in front of the room full of other prisoners, and us – and tell their stories, out loud, for the first time. It’s an incredibly brave and vulnerable act for anyone. And for most of these women, it was the first time they’d ever had anyone listen to them respectfully.

What an amazing concept for me. Just to be told that before the graduation blew my mind. I was listened to respectfully as a child, when I went running up to my mother on little toddler legs with some crazy childish idea. I was listened to respectfully in school by my teachers. I have had many bosses who listened to and respected me; many wonderful friends. I can sit down at the end of the day and share something minor that happened with my boyfriend – and he listens to me. Respectfully.

The concept that these women were sharing such painful, personal things – for the first time, and with complete strangers – and that by and large, it was the FIRST TIME anyone had really listened to what they had to say with attention and respect….what do I think about that? It made me sad for them.

But pity is not what I felt that day in the prison. I felt my insides ripped out by their words, their pain, their anger, their loss. Woman after woman stood up in front of the room and told their stories, most of which started with horrific abuses at a very early age. Yet they were not asking for sympathy, nor excusing their own bad choices that had landed them in prison. They cried, they raged, they hung their heads, they looked bewildered as they recounted their histories, the abuses against them, and their own mistakes for which they could never make up for.

For most of these women, childhood abuse was a huge factor – and it seemed to always result in this yearning for love, any type of love, that led to their troubles. For some it was the missing love of a father that led them to accept anything a man told them later in life – just to attain his love. For others it was trying to get money to help their family members, to show them that they loved them, to prove their love. Some women were in because of drugs, some were in because of embezzlement. Most of the stories centered around men, and relationships gone horribly, horribly wrong. Almost all of the women came across, to me, as lost and bewildered children themselves.

Children. They seemed little different from the abused and vulnerable children I have so long advocated for, and that Mothers Fighting For Others stands for. I saw clearly that connection, not very far removed, between mothers and children. Between cycles of abuse, and generational cycles of poverty, homelessness, and incarceration. I have seen this before, in the way that micro-loans not only empower women, but their children for whom they are now providing; in the way that if you feed women, teach women a skill, and give them respect, the trickle down effect to their children is powerful and instantaneous.

I guess I had just never experienced it so viscerally, so in my gut, as that day sitting in Lockhart State Prison and listening to the stories of these women-children. They all seemed to have children of their own, who seemed doomed to repeating the same path if something was not done to end the cycles of abuse that had plagued these families.

When I entered the prison, as I went through security and my pat-down search, as I was led along the ugly concrete hallways, past the stares of the male prisoners, into the “graduation” room and nervously watched the Truth Be Told graduates walk into the room in their blue prison-issued tops and pants – I thought I had nothing in common with these women. I was there to listen respectfully, to be certain, but didn’t really think I could relate to them.

I was so wrong. At almost every moment, every turn in a new story, I found myself thinking “There but for a bad choice, a bit of luck, could I have gone.” They were not so different from me, in so many ways. The biggest difference was that I had been lucky enough to have a loving family and a good, abuse-free childhood. They were not so lucky. But even so, I could relate so much to the tales they told. A slippery slope, starting with things I have done or experienced – and perhaps the reason I turned back at those points, and they continued, was due to the innate sense of love and security I had grown up with. For these women, such things were great gaping holes in their lives – and so they filled them with drugs, money and things gotten at any cost, abusive relationships, children too young simply so they could have someone to love them.

But underneath it all, we were the same. By the end of the afternoon, I found myself not only relating to them, but admiring them. These women were the bravest people I had ever met in my life. Their honesty, their courage, honed into my heart like an arrow and lodged there. I will never forget their words, or the haunted looks in their eyes as they spoke them.

And I hope that none of us forget that they are mothers, too. We are all mothers – fighting for others. Let’s bring the fight to everyone. When the mothers break free, so do their children.

Author, The Weight of Silence: Invisible Children of India

For more information about Truth Be Told, go to their website, or read this article in Austin Woman Magazine.

My Daughter’s Story

karenkit1530 — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 11:27:35 +0000

My daughter, Alex, is 17 and recently gave birth to a healthy baby boy. She has been living with her boyfriend since her 6th month of pregnancy because I live too far from her doctor.Â I was against her living there. But in the state of Georgia, 17 is the legal age to move out. All the worrying around her moving was pretty hard on me so I spoke to her 2-3 times a day to keep up with anything and everything going on.

On Sunday, July 26, at 11 pm I called my daughter after getting out of the movies to tell her good night and check on the lil man. My daughter didn’t answer the phone. Ray’s (Alex’s boyfriend) sister answered the phone and began to tell me something I never even thought to fear. She told me that the past Friday night, during an argument between Alex and Ray, he slapped her across the face while she was holding the baby. She felt embarrassed and ashamed so she did not tell anyone what had happened.

Two days later on Sunday night, she had been invited by some friends to go out to dinner. Ray thought she should stay at home because he was at home. She said she was going and another argument ensued. He grabbed her by the throat and slammed her against the wall, grabbed her arms and slung her around the room, knocking into several items before finally pinning her down on the bed. Her friends showed up at this point and he let her up. Her friend, Krystal, Â insisted that she call the cops and report it, which she did not want to do. She didn’t want me to know either because she planned on returning after a “cool” down period of a few days. Ray was arrested that night on two counts of domestic assault and one count of child endangerment.

The past few weeks, we have learned of other things going on in their relationship, such as mental abuse. He would tell her that she was stupid, fat, and ugly almost daily. He also did not allow her to go places without him. If she did she had to “check in” regularly or stay on the phone with him while she was out. She is also not the first girl he’s abused.

Since that night, my family and friends have been trying to build her back up. Letting her know that she is beautiful and smart and reminding her of her strengths and ways of working on her weaknesses. It is nothing short of amazing to see her eyes when the fog started to lift!

We do not discuss the events of that night anymore. We discuss mommy things, school, college, future plans and dreams, and how she can achieve them. It has seemed to really calm her and assure her of herself once again. I am starting to see my daughter again.

It is so important to empower young women to believe in themselves. They need to know that they are special and powerful over their own lives. I was not prepared to deal with this issue. I was unaware of how often this happens.

Educate yourself and your children. Talk to your sons about respect for women. Talk to your daughters about respect for themselves. WHY?

Girls and women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rates of intimate partner violence.

1 in 5 high school girls is physically or sexually hurt by a dating partner.

1 in 3 teens experience some kind of abuse in their romantic relationships.

Only 33 % of teens who have been in or known about an abusive dating relationship report having told anyone about it.

Teen girls face relationship violence 3 times more than adult women.

25% of victims say they have been isolated from family and friends.

More than half of victims say they have compromised their own beliefs to please a partner.

Many teens think this is normal.

Teens report dating abuse via cell phones is a serious problem.

Cell phone calls and texting mean constant control: 1 in 3 teens say they are text messaged 10, 20, 30 times an hour by a partner keeping tabs on them

82% of parents whose teens were emailed or text messaged 30 times an hour were not aware of this

The majority of parents of teen victims are unaware of the abuse **

Alex is now finishing her high school education and has plans to go to college. She is currently looking for a job and staying with friends in a safe place. There is a stay away against Ray and his trial is pending on the two misdemeanors and felony charges that he faces.

Everyone should know the facts. Stopping the abuse starts at home with our own kids.

**facts were taken from The Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial Fund

Follow up on the big C

kelleyz — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 03:23:55 +0000

FIGHT ON DEANA!!!!!!!!!

Back in October I posted about the randomness and proximity of girlfriends being diagnosed with cancer.Â Today I am especially heavy.Â My girlfriend who was diagnosed with Burkitts Lymphoma inÂ October, was told that she has weeks to live, that though she has suffered through chemo, and radiation, the cancer is back and has spread. Â She has 2 young children under the age of 5.Â She has never waivered in her hope, and her determination to beat this cancer, yet this cancer is stealing Deana away from her family and friends.

In a Caringbridge blog, Â Written in a by her husband he states,

“Deana wanted me to let everyone know that while we are hopeful, and are trying to remain positive, that the doctor did tell us that given the aggressive nature of Deana’s cancer, we are dealing with just a matter of weeks for Deana if not addressed. He has encouraged us to contact Hospice.”

Where do you start?Â How to embrace each moment when everything in your body hurts?Â How to capture memories and or make them for your children when you can’t get to the bathroom alone?Â How to make time to say goodbye to your husband, and close up a life together.Â To your parents, sisters, brothers?

Clearly, Deana’s story has me thinking, is it best to know when death is coming or not.Â I have decided that yes, I would want to know so that I can complete my lists, have closure, have goodbyes, make memories for my children to open at sweet 16 and 21, marriage and birthdays.Â In fact I am starting now, because what guarantee is there that I will know, this is something that can not wait.

The death of a mother is the hardest to bear for she is the one who is there for us the most.

Deana this post if for you, You have been an inspiration and remained a wonderful loving mother through the hardest moments in your life.Â God bless you.Â God bless your family.Â I hope that a miracle finds you and spares your life.Â You have been an angel to all lucky enough to have known you, or met you.

All the prayers and hugs -to you, jack and the z boys.

with love, Kelley Z

Signs of an Abusive Relationship

tracy5 — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 18:03:02 +0000

I have been thereÂ and I have done it. I’ve been in an abusive relationship.Â I didn’t know the signs,Â and I wish someone had told me.Â I want to share them with you.Â I hope that this will help someone.Â Whether you tell someone you think is being abused or if you yourself is being abused, please read on.

HERE ARE THE SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Do you:

* feel afraid most of the time of getting into “trouble” ?

* feel that you canâ€™t do anything right or feel that you did wrong?

* believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

* wonder if youâ€™re the one who is deserving of all this?

* feel no emotions at all whatsoever?

* feel he criticize or yells at you?

* afraid to go out in public, even to a family function, because of bruising onÂ your body?

* feel he ignores you or makes you feel stupid?

* noticed that he forces you to have sex when you donâ€™t want to and then punishes you for it later

There are different types of domestic abuse, including emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. Many abusers actually perform more than one type of abuse.Â They can be physical and emotional at the same time.Â Putting you down and then physically hurting you for it.Â They can also be sexually abusing you.Â They can force you to do sexual activities after you have already said no.Â I have been there and this is ABUSE.

Emotional abuse is done to attack your feelings.Â You can feel that without your spouse or significant other you will have nothing.Â You couldnâ€™t survive without him/her.Â He/She makes you feel this way.

Emotional abuse also includes verbal abuse.Â This includesÂ yelling, name calling and blaming you for things that you did not do.Â Isolation and controlling behaviors are also emotional abuse.Â Not allowing you to see your family or friends.Â Telling you where and whenÂ you may leave the house.Â These are some signs of isolation and controlling behavior.Â Most of the time when you are being emotionally abused, you are also being threatened with physical violence.Â Emotionally abuse can leave you with very realÂ feelings that can last for a lifetime.

Physical abuse is dangerous.Â This form of abuse can land you in the hospital.Â When I experienced this abuse I was afraid and embarsed to leave my home.Â I was afraid of the “What did you do to yoursel..” I was not allowed to visit family or friends.Â Physical abuse is the use ofÂ force against you in a way that canÂ hurt or endanger you.Â Â This can include:Â hitting, grabbing, choking, throwing things, and assault with a weapon. This is a CRIME.

Below is the Domestic Violence Hotline:

1-800-799-SAFE

Use it if need be or share it with someone who does need it.Â It’s there for us.Â It’sÂ there to help.Â Let’s all take a part in helping to stop domestic violence.Â One voice that can be heard can save many.

Love Is Not Abuse

tracy5 — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 20:16:21 +0000

I can remember it like it was yesterday. The abuse started at such a young age. Or at least I thought it was a young age, 15 to be exact. The first punch went smack dab across my nose. It sent me bleeding to the hospital with a fractured nose. I did nothing. I told others that I had run into a door.

Did I actually think they believed me?

I can’t answer that question now, but I would have to say that they HAD to believe me. I am sure they didn’t want to announce that they had a 15 year old runaway in the ER with a broken nose from a boy she had been dating.

I now wonder how many teens, runaways or not, are living with this. I came across a wonderful website called Love is Respect. A safe place for teen, both boys and girls, to go when they feel in trouble or just want to check out certain signs of abuse. They also have an escape button should they ever encounter an incident while they are online.

They have celebrities from Jaslene Gonzalez to Camille Winbush talking about their own abusive relationships and how they escaped them.Dating abuse can happen to anyone, at any age, and even occur in same sex relationships. Teens are always looking for ways to get help. Here they provide help for them and the many different ways to find help.

I came across the Teen Dating Bill of Rights on their website. I loved them so much I had to share. These Bill of Rights should be followed by us all. Everyone of us should allow ourselves to make a promise to follow these simple steps. They are not even steps but instead a promise to love ourselves and to love others. To treat each other with RESPECT.

Teen Dating Bill of Rights and Pledge

I have the right:

To always be treated with respect.
To be in a healthy relationship.
To not be hurt physically or emotionally.
To refuse sex or affection at anytime.
To have friends and activities apart from my boyfriend or girlfriend.
To end a relationship.

I pledge to:

Always treat my boyfriend or girlfriend with respect.
Never hurt my boyfriend or girlfriend physically, verbally, or emotionally.
Respect my girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s decisions concerning sex and affection.
Not be controlling or manipulative in my relationship.
Accept responsibility for myself and my actions.

Let’s all remember to love one another. Lets remember to show our teens how to love each other. Each one of us sets an example everyday by loving and respecting ourselves.

WE NEED TO TEACH OUR KIDS THIS.

If we don’t respect ourselves they certainly will not respect themselves or each other. I leave you with a video I found on Love is Respect.org. I have heard these comments, each one, so many times in my life that they are normal conversations to me. Lets make sure they don’t become “normal conversations” to our children. Time is running out.

Domestic Violence Shelters in Nevada

HeadMutha — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 03:28:17 +0000

If you or a loved one lives in the state of Nevada and are being victimized, please take a look at the Nevada Attorney Generals website to see the list of domestic violence shelters in the State of Nevada.

The S.A.F.E. House is also an excellent source of information. Their 24-Hour Hotline is 702-564-3227. Their Emergency Shelter number is 702-564-3227. The number to the Counseling & Advocacy Center is 702-451-4203. They supply you with a Safety Plan, ways how we can help our loved ones who are being victimized, and a Wish List that you can help supply. Please take a look and see how you can help.

Peace my Friends,

Domestic Violence Shelters in New Hampshire

HeadMutha — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 13:43:44 +0000

If you or a loved one lives in the state of New Hampsire and are being victimized, please contact the facilities below. The following information was taken from the New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence.

RESPONSE to Sexual & Domestic Violence
c/o Coos County Family Health Services
54 Willow Street
Berlin, NH 03570
1-866-644-3574 (domestic violence)*
1-800-277-5570 (sexual assault)
603-752-5679 (Berlin office)
603-237-8746 (Colebrook office)
603-788-2562 (Lancaster office)

The Support Center at Burch House
P.O. Box 965
Littleton, NH 03561
1-800-774-0544 (crisis line)
603-444-0624 (Littleton office)
www.tccap.org/support_center.htm

Starting Point: Services for Victims of Domestic and Sexual Violence
P.O. Box 1972
Conway, NH 03818
1-800-336-3795 (crisis line)
603-356-7993 (Conway office)
603-539-5506 (Ossipee Office)
www.startingpointnh.org

Voices Against Violence
P.O. Box 53
Plymouth, NH 03264
603-536-1659 (crisis line)
603-536-3423 (office)
homepage.fcgnetworks.net/voices/

Women’s Information Service (WISE)
79 Hanover St., Suite 1
Lebanon, NH 03766
1-866-348-WISE (toll-free crisis line)
603-448-5525 (local crisis line)
603-448-5922 (office)
www.wiseoftheuppervalley.org

New Beginnings: A Woman’s Crisis Center
P.O. Box 622
Laconia, NH 03247
1-866-644-3574 (domestic violence)*
1-800-277-5570 (sexual assault)*
603-528-6511 (office)
www.newbeginningsnh.org

Turning Points Network (formerly Women’s Supportive Services)
11 School Street
Claremont, NH 03743
1-800-639-3130 (crisis line)
603-543-0155 (Claremont office)
603-863-4053 (Newport office)
www.free-to-soar.org

Rape and Domestic Violence Crisis Center
P.O. Box 1344
Concord, NH 03302-1344
1-866-644-3574 (domestic violence)*
1-800-277-5570 (sexual assault)*
603-225-7376 (office)
www.rdvcc.org

Sexual Harassment and Rape Prevention Program (SHARPP)
UNH
Verrette House
6 Garrison Avenue
Durham, NH 03824
1-888-271-SAFE(72330) (crisis line)
603-862-3494 (office)
www.unh.edu/sharpp/

A Safe Place
6 Greenleaf Woods, #101
Portsmouth, NH 03801
1-800-854-3552 (toll-free crisis line)
603-330-0214 (Rochester crisis line)
603-890-6392 (Salem crisis line)
603-436-4619 (Portsmouth office)
603-436-7924 (Portsmouth crisis line)
www.asafeplacenh.org

Sexual Assault Support Services
7 Junkins Avenue
Portsmouth, NH 03801
1-888-747-7070 (crisis line)
603-436-4107 (Portsmouth Office)
603-332-0775 (Rochester Office)
www.sassnh.org

YWCA Crisis Service
72 Concord St.
Manchester, NH 03101
603-668-2299 (crisis line)
603-625-5785 (Manchester Office)

YWCA Derry office
6 West Broadway #22
Derry, NH 03038
603-432-2687

Bridges: Domestic & Sexual Violence Support
P.O. Box 217
Nashua, NH 03061-0217
603-883-3044 (crisis line)
603-672-9833 (Milford office)
603-889-0858 (Nashua office)
www.bridgesnh.org

Monadnock Center for Violence Prevention
12 Court Street
Keene, NH 03431-3402
603-352-3782 (crisis line)
1-888-511-mvcp(6287) (toll-free hotline)
603-352-3782 (Keene office)
603-532-6288 (Jaffery office)
603-209-4015 (Peterborough office)
www.mcvprevention.org

I hope this information can help you or your loved ones.

Peace and Safety my friends,

June 13, 2008 Weekend Challenge – Donate A PhoneÂ®

HeadMutha — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 06:10:28 +0000

So how many of you have old cell phones sitting in a drawer? What about your brothers or sisters? Neighbors? Cousins? What about your best friends sisters boyfriend? You get the picture. For me, I know I have two.

Why are they just sitting in my drawer taking up space and collecting dust? Well, I’m done with them. I received an email from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence yesterday letting me know about their 2008 National Conference. I spent some time around the site and the Donate a Phone Program jumped out at me. They describe it as:

NCADV has partnered with The Wireless Foundation for over seven years through the CALL TO PROTECT program which was created to provide victims of domestic violence who may encounter emergency situations with free cell phones for that use. The collection of deactivated cell and wireless phones for this purpose has literally saved hundreds of lives over the course of our partnership. In addition to phones being distributed for emergency use, proceeds from the sale of phones not utilized for emergency use help fund agencies that work to end violence in the home, such as NCADV.

So my challenge to you is to go find as many phones as you can get your hands on. Make sure the phone is deactivated, is turned off, and has a battery before mailing it off.

Sound like an easy plan?

Well, I made it even easier. You can download a free mailing label and send it on its way this weekend. Don’t forget to ask your friends and family too!

Have a great weekend.

Just Give

tracy5 — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 04:57:25 +0000

How simple that sounds. Two small four letter words. It is so easy to just give to someone. Some people give so much and some give just the right amount. Search inside your soul to find out if you want to Just Give. I stumbled upon Just Give as I googled Domestic Violence charities. It amazed me as it appeared before my eyes how many different options they have for you. So many to choose from. If you click Just Give Domesitc Violence Charities you can see for yourself that there are at least ten different places for you to look into. You can donate monetarily, volunteer your time or even add this charity to your wedding registry if you are about to be married. Could you imagine how wonderful your soul would feel donating something to charity instead of receiving for yourself?

I want to commit myself to working toward the day when all women and men will be safe and abuse will be no more. Violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified. Violence in any formâ€”physical, sexual, psychological, or verbal is wrong.

When you give to someone the gratitude you feel is very overpowering. It will make you realize that you have just helped save another soul from the torture that they are enduring everyday.

I thank you from all the battered men and women out there. I know, I was there years ago. In my heart I know when we work together as a team, anything is possible.

So please, go visit Just Give and take a look for yourself.

Domestic Violence Shelters In New Jersey

HeadMutha — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 04:25:00 +0000

If you or a loved one lives in the state of New Jersey and is a victim of domestic violence, please refer to The New Jersey Coalition For Battered Women’s website.

It is filled with information such as the breakdown in womens shelters by county, a safety plan, and Frequently Asked Questions for victims of domestic violence.

Peace and Safety my friends,