Most of us are born hearing “give in order to receive” and if you really pay attention, they are both the same and one can’t occur without the other.  Whether it’s giving compliments, volunteering your time, sharing talents or going out of your way to help people around you.

There’s an ever universal equilibrium with giving and receiving and it simply translates into… the more you give, the more you will receive.   I have never been the one to struggle when it comes to choosing where to volunteer and how to give my time, but I know many out there do.  You may ask yourself “What organization do I donate money to?” “where do I volunteer?” “where will my time be better spent?”.  You are the only one that can answer those questions and my only advice is to choose something you are passionate about – you WILL make a difference.

I volunteer at a local cancer association because the disease has hit home and know in my heart that I’m making a difference.  I also choose to contribute here at Mothers Fighting For Others because I see the passion of all the writers and know that we have the power to inspire people into giving.  But just this past week, 2 people came before me that are passionate about their own projects and I wanted to share a little about them.

The first one is Suzy Newhouse.  Suzy blew my mind with a donation drive she is organizing for a needy family in Miami.  She read an article in the local paper about an unemployed widower raising 4 kids on his own after his wife passed away from cancer and whose 16 year old daughter is completely disabled.  Instead of just reading the article and feeling badly for this family, Suzy chose to do something about it and took action.  At the end of the article she writes:

I’m not asking you to give because God will reward you- because there’s no more proof of that than there is proof of Leprechauns. I’m asking you to donate because if it was you, you’d appreciate the same.

The second one is Tom Vanderwell, a mortgage broker from Grand Rapids, Michigan.  After chatting with him on Twitter he told me about his 2 adopted children and the challenge and life-awakening experience of raising a trans-racial family.  He was so passionate about the adoptions and how he felt blessed and was about to celebrate the kids’ 5-year  “coming home” anniversary.  Take a minute to read his story – Tom is now involved in helping the Haitian orphanage raise $2 million to build a new orphanage.

So there you have 2 examples of extraordinary human beings that don’t just sit idly by and watch others make a difference.  What’s important for us to understand is that we all take action in different ways and there is nothing wrong with that.  But I personally feel inspired when I hear great stories like that of Suzy’s and Tom’s.

I will leave you with some words by Kahlil Gibran in “The Prophet”:

There are those who give little of the much which they have – and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.
And there are those who have little and give it all.
These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.
There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.
And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.
And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.
Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles the earth.

I wrote this post on February 14, 2007. It changed me. I believe this single post helped me evolve into the woman I am today. The amazing thing is, I have changed since then. I have been to Kenya twice since that February and I have seen this kind of poverty up close once again. It’s difficult to describe. I hope one day you will join me on one of my trips, then you too will be changed forever.

I am part of an amazing community of moms on a website called CafeMom. I wrote a post there informing some of my fellow Moms about a company called BeadForLife. I wrote about how I loved their products and gave some basic information about the beautiful necklaces that were made by Ugandan women. To me, it was a typical “Rocky trying to make a difference” post. Some moms thanked me for the information. Some posed the question, “So while I think it’s a noble effort to help the poor, why look so far away from home?”

I labored over this question for hours. I gave birth to this post.

I know what I do here in the U.S. to help out the less fortunate. The key word being less fortunate. You can read HERE what poverty means in America. Poverty here in the United States does not equal poverty in third world countries. We, as Americans, are not poor because of genocide, drought, or being victims of war. There is no comparison. We are lucky to be Americans. We are lucky to have the ability to get financial aide from the government in the form of Welfare and Social Security. Third world countries do not have this luxury.

From Africa to Guatemala, there are families living off $1 a day, have no access to clean water, and cannot receive any medical care.

That is a tragedy, not a misfortune.

If you are an orphan in the United States or living in foster care, by law a child has to go to school. In most African countries, it is a huge opportunity and a gift to be able to go to school.

That is a tragedy, not a misfortune.

I am defensive over this issue because I have been attacked by those who disagree with my international adoption. “There are so many orphans here in the United States, why couldn’t you adopt one of them?” is one of my favorite questions. Being orphaned in the U.S. is not even close to being orphaned in Liberia, Guatemala, or India. It is a life or death situation in these other countries.

That is a tragedy, not a misfortune.

My daughter is living proof. The birth mother to my eldest daughter worked washing clothes, seven days a week, making only $30 a MONTH. She was doing this alone and raising three children. Her husband left her after he got her pregnant. She could not feed her children. My daughter was fed soda and tortillas for the first 10 months of her life because her mother could not afford milk. My daughter could not sit up at 10 months old because she was so malnourished. Let’s read that again… could not sit up at 10 months old. She could not form words or any real sounds when I brought her home at 18 months old. Her birth mother had to separate all three of her children because she could not feed or shelter them. The eldest daughter was living with the grandmother, the middle daughter stayed with her, and she had to give up the youngest for adoption. There was no Welfare, no Social Security, no food stamps and no shelters for her to go to so she could remain with her children.

That is a tragedy, not a misfortune.

We are the luckiest women in the world no matter what are financial situation is. We don’t have the same fears as those mothers living in third world countries. If we are poor in the U.S, we worry about where we will live or how we are going to pay for the next meal. In the Democratic Republic of the Congo, for example, a mother worries about soldiers coming and raping her and her children every night. She worries about her sons being kidnapped and forced to be child soldiers, who will then be brainwashed to kill and rape other women. She worries about getting her hands cut off, her breasts cut off, and objects like knives, rifles and broken bottles shoved up her vagina because the soldiers thought that would be entertaining. She worries that her and her daughter will be impregnated by these soldiers. She worries about contracting AIDS from these monsters. She will then worry about dying from AIDS.

That is a tragedy, not a misfortune.

My passion to help other mothers will not be limited by the borders of our country. It doesn’t matter where they are living. They love their children just as much as we love ours. There was no misfortune that put them where they are.

It was something horrific and tragic.

So, I am sorry that all my efforts are not directed towards the poor in the United States. I do my part by donating clothes to domestic violence shelters and money to the food bank in my community. But in the depths of my soul, I believe if you are poor in the United States, be grateful still.

Because you don’t want to be poor anywhere else.

There are over half a million children in the foster care system in the United States today and I am partially to blame.  As a board member of SCAN (Stop Child Abuse Now) I know that our organization, through the DSS and courts, is responsible for making recommendations that sometimes call for removing endangered children from their family members.

I can’t imagine anything more frightening to a child than being taken from their family and placed in a home with total strangers.  Despite the abuse, most children desperately want to stay with their natural family.  However, over 40% of children in foster care are with non-family members.

A very close friend of mine has been a foster child his whole life.  Growing up in South Central Los Angeles, he lived with a couple he still calls his parents after 46 years yet they never adopted him because he was their source of income.  Some of his stories would make you cry; not just because they are tough to hear, but because you realize that even the little morsels of care he received made him grateful.  He defends them to this day despite it all.

Thankfully, most foster parents provide a loving safe haven for children.  According to the non-profit organization FosterClub, abuse is the number one social concern among teens in the U.S.  Clearly a foster home offers a sense of protection.  But, beyond the fear of abuse, how do foster children cope with the typical struggles that go along with growing up? 

Thanks to organizations like FosterClub, there are wonderful resources available for foster children.   FosterClub is a non-profit organization created to “provide encouragement, motivation, information, education, and benefits for foster youth.”  Their 3 websites:  FosterClub.com, FosterClub.org and Fyi3.com were created for a place for kids to got to ask questions, learn about other successful foster youth, share opinions about their own foster experiences, get recognition and support for overcoming obstacles, enter contests and more according to their website.

They also provide publications to help the youth,  events especially for the youth, and even an outreach program where foster kids can work with child welfare professionals to develop effective ways to communicate wtih foster children.

FosterClub.com servers as their primary communication tool with youth and is a “hub of information related to foster care, including articles written by young people..message boards, contests and even biographies of famous people who grew up in foster care.  It’s youth-friendly, interactive, and available 24/7″.

FYI3.com is a website designed for youth preparing to transition out of foster care.  It offers an incredible array of resources to help the youth become independent.

FosterClub.org  is their website designed for adults; particularly those who support and care for young people in foster care.

In a world where foster youth may feel different, alone or isolated, it is so important for them to know there are such great resources available just for them. 

Want to learn more about how foster care works:

How Does the Child Welfare System Work?
http://nccanch.acf.hhs.gov/pubs/factsheets/cpswork.cfm

A Child’s Journey Through the Child Welfare System
http://pewfostercare.org/docs/index.php?DocID=24

How it Works: The Foster Care System
http://people.howstuffworks.com/foster-care.htm

A Family’s Guide to the Child Welfare System
http://www.cwla.org/childwelfare/familyguide.htm

Foster Care Glossary of Terms
http://www.fosterclub.com/fostercareFacts/glossary.cfm

Foster Care Questions & Answers for Youth
http://www.fosterclub.com/fostercareFacts/QA.cfm

Children in the foster care system, or with a history of abuse and neglect, are at higher risk of being trapped in the Cradle to Prison Pipeline, the path by which the chances of an individual one day ending up in prison can be predicted based on factors present in his or her childhood, which make that child much more likely to end up incarcerated as an adult. Poverty is the largest driving force of the Cradle to Prison Pipeline crisis, as defined by the Children’s Defense Fund.

In Texas, among all children, 1 in 4 (24.9 percent or 1,548,069) was poor. A baby is born poor every five minutes in the state:

o A Black baby is born poor every 32 minutes.
o A Latino baby is born poor every seven minutes.
o A White, non-Latino baby is born poor every 33 minutes.
o An American Indian/Alaska Native baby is born poor every 20 hours.
o An Asian baby is born poor every nine hours.

Other factors that significantly impact the odds of a child entering the Cradle to Prison Pipeline include lack of early childhood education, poor education received later, disadvantaged health care, experienced violence, and simply being a person of color. Children in the foster care system often experience one or more of these factors, as well as losing their birth home and parents, and dealing with the trauma of abuse or neglect. These children are desperately in need of a family to call their own. They are in danger of falling through the cracks and being lost forever without one.

Recently, Dr. Tracy Eilers, a friend of mine and director of The Heart Gallery, sent me the following information about a boy, Jarod, who is about to age out of the foster care system and has almost given up hope on a family to call his own. The prospects for kids who age out of the system are grim.

Dr. Eilers says, “18 isn’t a good thing for kids in foster care.” Sent out on their own with no one to care for them or teach them how to be an adult in the world, half of these kids end up homeless. “Week after week, we film segments for Forever Families… week after week, I meet the most amazing kids… and every second of every day I hope beyond all hope that we can make a difference in these kids lives… I don’t know if I have ever hoped so much as for Jarod.”

Last year at this time, Jarod was showing off his Junior ROTC uniform for his Forever Families segment. He was 15-years-old and only recently decided he wanted to be adopted. Jarod’s goal was to become a Sergeant, but he moved from foster home to foster home this year, and isn’t in ROTC anymore. The rest of year has been filled with just as many disappointments, and now his outlook on life is bleak. No 16-year-old should feel this hopeless.

Jarod came in to foster care when he was 10-years-old from his uncle’s house, where there were five kids, Jarod and his sister, and their three cousins. Jarod was the one who had to go into foster care.

He’s had a very hard time trusting adults, and who could blame him? Now he’s 16-years-old and repeating the 9th grade. In two years, he’ll age out of the foster care system. Foster teens on their own are at a higher risk of homelessness and substance abuse. “To me, it seems like it’s too late. For life, I guess. When I turn 18, I don’t know what I’m going to do,” he said.

Jarod’s anger, frustration, and confusion have caused him to give up on adoption. His aunt was going to adopt him, but it wasn’t a good fit. They lived together for a month, but kept getting into fights. Now Jarod is in a shelter, where he says things aren’t going well.

“I got in trouble because I broke a door. I feel mad all the time. It’s not foster care; it’s not being adopted. It’s just when I turn 18, what am I going to do? Am I going to be on the streets? I don’t know what I’m going to do. I barely got an education. Ain’t nothing to do,” he said.

Jarod is out of hope. He feels he’s out of time and he has no idea what to do about it. Ask about his future, and he shuts down. Though Jarod seems to have given up on himself, he still has another year.

Watch the News8Austin video clip of Jarod’s story.

Many children like Jarod have new hope through the innovative initiative, The Heart Gallery. This program combines professional portraits by renowned documentary and portrait photographers of children in foster care who are waiting to be adopted with art show-style exhibits around the country.

Dr. Eilers, of the Adoption Coalition of Texas, led the formation of the Heart Gallery of Central Texas several years ago. The goal of The Heart Gallery of Central Texas is to elicit support for and interest in the lives of these children – and ultimately find each child and sibling group a “forever family.”

At any given moment, there are 500 children waiting for adoption in the Central Texas foster care system, all removed from their natural family due to abuse or neglect. The Heart Gallery process helps break down common misconceptions regarding adoption and promotes the idea that if you can provide a safe and loving home for a child, even if you are a single individual or do not own a home, you can still adopt.

“It’s extraordinary to know that in just the two years of the Heart Gallery program, over 60% of the children featured in portraits were adopted,” said Dr. Eilers. “This remarkable rate of success proves this effort has been effective in raising awareness for the kids and the Central Texas foster care system overall. Every year after the debut, we receive thousands of phone calls and emails from all over the country and we want that to keep happening.”

“Seeing these children in photographs as they laugh and play is a very powerful experience. We want to inspire people to learn more about adopting from the foster care system. Our whole purpose is to humanize these children, display their personalities, and give a glimpse into their souls,” explained Eilers.

I wanted desperately to do more homework on the subject. I wanted to read more ways I could help. But I wanted to give the post about Global Action For Children the time it deserved. I still haven’t dedicated the time I want due to the events of the past three days.

So after watching as much of this news conference I could find, I realized that I had received emails and personal messages from my friends and family wondering why I hadn’t posted anything about our final court date. So I wrote a quick little post about the day. Two less orphans in the world. That is right. It’s a great title for the post.

With all the reading, phone conversations, the truly dark places that I go to when dealing with orphans from around the world, child trafficking, and horror stories from war survivors, I was happy that my daughters would not be part of that possibility. Why? Because they are not orphans anymore. And yes, by law, they are were considered orphans.

If you do not know what life is like for woman and children in Guatemala, you have no right to fight me on this one. NONE! When I walked off the plane and into the airport pickup area, I was attacked by little children begging me for money. I’m not talking 9-10 year olds, I’m talking 3-4 year olds. They were pleading with me to give them anything I had. “Please Miss, anything you have, my children haven’t eaten for days” is one comment that I will never get out of my head.

What about this scene?

I was walking down the streets of Guatemala City, where there are dozens of mothers on the ground, with numerous children sitting close by, selling tapestries and jewelery they had made. My new daughter was in my left arm and we were picking out tapestries to bring home. The mother asked me if I was taking this little girl back to America. I said, “Yes, we are going home tomorrow.” What she said to me will haunt me for the rest of my life. She said, “Can you take my daughter with you? She is a good girl.” I obviously couldn’t. I was overwhelmed by sadness.

The idea that this mother was willing to give up her daughter to a complete stranger, another Mother, knowing, without question, that life in America IS that much better… it was more than shocking. It changed me. My desire to help end this started at that moment.

At that moment, I understood why there are so many adoptions from Guatemala. Of course there are the stories of bad adoption practices, that is tragic as well. But when you born into a country where 80% of the population lives in abject poverty, where there is no birth control available, where the rights of women are not equal to their male counterparts, life can be horrific to say the least. I have never seen so many children in the streets. They weren’t in school, they were begging on the streets. They had no shoes, hadn’t been bathed in a very long while, but were the most beautiful children I had ever seen.

You have no right!

Because you don’t know the history, the stories of why my daughters were given up, you have no right to say to me that they would have been better off to stay there. Until Guatemala can help it’s people, raise them out of the poverty, give equal rights to all its women, get blatant prostitution off the streets, until they can recover, fully recover from their horrific civil war, my daughters are better off here. I stand by that. If you have not seen true poverty, if you are not willing to look at it in its ugly, sinister face, then you don’t belong in this conversation.

Look at this through the eyes of poverty.

We live in a country where millions of illegal aliens fight to cross it’s borders, because life in America is so much better than what they escaped from. I can not tell you how many Guatemalan women I know who have left their children behind, so they could come to America and work, get paid, and send back money to them. Some of them have not seen their children in 10 years.

Living in America, having the opportunities to equal rights as women, to an education, are the gifts that their mother gave them. That is the ultimate gift.

Aren’t our hopes as mothers are to give our children things we did not have for ourselves? Their mothers in Guatemala gave them that gift. They gave up the most precious thing they had, their child, in hope for a better life. A life they know they could not give them. And they couldn’t because of the disease that they all have – poverty.

I don’t want to go into my fight about poverty in America vs poverty in all third world countries. I have done that before. If you are interested in reading what I have to say, please read it HERE. I also explain a little about my daughters’ stories there as well.

An adoptive Mother I respect wrote a thought provoking post, called The Perfect Storm. In it she said, “For that makes it possible for us to view a woman’s relinquishment of her child as heroic act, one to be praised and repeated.”

It’s not heroic, it’s necessary.

Unfortunately, when it comes to the world of true poverty, the relinquishment of a child is not a heroic act, but a selfless and necessary act if the mother wants her child to live. And until we, as mankind, stand up and try to make a difference in the world, until we try to make poverty history, there are no other options right now. Unfortunately, the only option for these Mothers, that includes LIFE for their children, is relinquishment. In the harsh light of severe poverty, how can adoption be wrong? These children would die… or worse.

Do I hope that all of my children are part of the change that needs to happen in the world? Yes, I do.

Do I hope that my daughters understand the opportunities that they have been given, simply because a piece of paper says they are Americans? Yes, I do.

Do I hope that they will then help do something to change the system that put them there in the first place? Yes, I do.

Yes, I hope all of my children will be part of the generation that will finally take the stand and make the right decisions to change the face of poverty.

Poverty, child trafficking, lack of education, adoption, are all part of a vicious cycle. And poverty is the root to all of it. If poverty wasn’t an issue, I would say that the percentage of adoptions would go dramatically down. Especially, international adoptions. I know that these women did not want to give up their children, they felt that they had to. It is a horrible thing to have to go through. But they have little if any choice until the systems change in their own countries.

And that is my goal. My goal as a woman, a mother, and as a human being. The reasons why my daughters were given up for adoption are the very same reasons why I write and fight against the atrocities that happen in the world.

If you are not willing to help the cause, to help stop poverty, to help make the changes that are so necessary in the world, then with all due respect, back off.

There are two less orphans in the world today. They are now Americans. Americans with a chance to dream a dream that they would of never been able to fulfill. They have more than the true basics of life of food, shelter, and clothing. They have a mom, dad and four brothers that love them to death. They have a family. They will also have the chance, the opportunity, to an education. They will go to a University one day. They will strive to be the best women that they can be. They will achieve greatness.

My hope for them is that they will become activists themselves. I hope they will go back to Guatemala and make a difference in the beautiful country that they came from. I hope that they will make their own mark in giving back to the world. They have been given a true gift from their birth mothers. Because of them, we, as parents, have been given our beautiful daughters. This is the true gift. My life is fuller since these two little girls came into my life. I know they will teach me things only daughters can teach their mothers.

I hope that I can teach them the world.

Peace My Friends,